Happiness was a bit of an exaggeration, just an almost-normal post, I suppose. I've decided to stop posting all this depressing crap, because quite frankly, it's depressing. Instead, I want to bring up a whole load of topics, make a huge blog post. About whatever, anything to keep my mind working. As... I am feeling brain-dead. Oh dear.
So, first topic is my English Assessment. For English we have to say a speech, unfortunately for me I forgot my speech before I had to say it to everyone. So I spent three minutes bluffing my way through from things I remembered at the back of my head. Apparantally, I was amazing and convincing. Which I'm quite happy about because my self-esteem isn't the best. However, I didn't do the best and wasn't chosen to go to the so-called 'finals'... Which means my level isn't boosted higher. In fact, my English teacher lowered my English level for no apparent reason. Which is really making me panic. I know I shouldn't panic, but these lowered level means less of a chance of a scholarship to the university I eventually want to go to. I mean, a scholarship is very unlikely, but now it's even more unlikely. I'm not a gifted child, I'm an absolute idiot, and what with my parent's state of money... A scholarship is the only way I'll get into university. So this is something I need to get, otherwise... Well... No university, I guess. This assessment I'm panicking about? It's a written assessment, all from the top of my head. That's not good. You don't just write assessments from the top of your head and pass unless you're bloody epic. I've done so before, but... This is different... It's actually... A topic I feel strongly about, I should have done something... Anything...
The second is friends. I've posted about friends before and this isn't too different. Remember that post I made, I said "Friends rarely ever are forever"? Well, guess who's been proved right? Me. My friend who I shan't name, I shall post him as Bob. My friend Bob, I have known for as long as I can remember, he's my oldest friend, and we were as close as... Two close things. Suddenly, he took the chance he had to be popular, and so he completely forgot about me and my friend, and he became b*tchy to us, rude and joining in with the bullies. He then was nice to us, and b*tchy straight after. I know I've lost him as a friend, but we seem to be keeping up this small charade that we're still close and we're still friends. It just hurts me. I don't like that, I don't like hurting over friends... I don't like panicking about losing one of the closest people to me. So I don't talk about it.
The third is anger. Anger is one of my many issues, the one feeling I can't control in front of people. Usually at school I keep up this pokerface, a layer of... Non-emotion I guess, cold nothingness. My features are rather sharp, so it usually looks like I'm silently fuming. Which I guess I am. When people make fun of me and stuff, I can hold back the tears, I can hold back the fear and hurt. I can stop that from showing. But it's the anger, the pure rage and spite mixing together to form an emotion I can't explain, but it's like a tornado ripping through me, making me want to scream as loud as I can and curse, using all the swears I know to insult the kid teasing me, smash all the objects I can see, harm everyone I see. I feel an almost irresistable urge to grab the sharpest thing I see and plunge it into the kid's stupid face, to see the blood rushing from them and hear their screams, to bloody make them feel pain. It's an almost irresistable urge. Which I hold back, but that doesn't stop me growling, or snapping at them, the main thing that holds me back is guilt. I just can't bring myself to do it, I know I'm perfectly capable, I have the anger. It scares me, knowing that I'm actually a potential danger. Because my anger is so hard to control, that I'd love to harm loads of people, like something else takes over. Yet, I know I'd feel terrible afterwards, and I can't bear the thought...
The fourth is writing. These story I've been planning and stuff? I've lost the will to carry on, I can't stop thinking about how... Rubbish it is. I have no gifts, I'm not talented, or exceptional, so what's the point in trying? Trying and being pathetic? Like I am.
The fifth just happens to be illnesses. My so-called illnesses are getting worse, blood-test is out of the question, but... I've been kind of... Showing symptoms...
Of certain things.
*Sigh*
The sixth is comic books. I was reading a few comic books, and I've realised how... Rubbish... Some comics that have been published are.
*Glares at X-Men*
Some comics just feature a bunch of underdeveloped, overpowered Mary-Sues who mess around in historic events. Three. Big. No-nos.
Well, this turned into a rant, didn't it?
Heh.
Well, had to be let out somewhere I guess.
If you read this far, then if I ever meet you I will hug you very tightly and give you a sugar-free lollipop.
:3
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