Friends.

Everyone loses friends, at one point or another. Friends rarely ever are 'forever' like people so insist. All these children wandering around saying "We're BFF's!" and breaking up the next day. The only true friends who ever actually stay with you... Are exactly that, true friends. You could be so far away from each other, yet you stay in contact. You are true friends, opposed to those who claim they're your friends and tease you. You feel the need to develop a new personality while in front of them, you're not comfortable telling everything to them, you don't want to have the burden of cheering them up when they're sad.

True friends aren't like that, true friends feel honoured to cheer each other up, true friends inspire each other, true friends aren't afraid to talk to each other about anything. They could be completely opposite, or so alike. True friends don't insult each other, ever, especially if they know it hurts the other person. What they say.

I... I don't have many friends, at all. True friends... None of my true friends live near me, all of my true friends are over the internet. How pathetic is that? All those friends I walk around with I actually dislike, I'm just too scared to break my friendship with them, I'm too pathetic to stand up and say: "Stop. No, this is not working, you're just teasing me, you're lowering my confidence, making me feel like crap, why? What do I do to you?" And so, I've given up on being a good friend. If people want my friendship, they accept me for me. I'm a terrible friend, I'm a horrible human being, I'm idiotic, I'm annoying, I haven't left any mark on the world. I'm not particularly gifted, I'd like to say I am, but I'm not. Ask any teacher of mine, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm causing a debate in class or they're telling me off for staring outside the window, wondering what life would be like if humans had evolved to the point of growing wings...

I wish that human beings could live a long while, and that they could... They could fix the fact that they're human. I know, what a stupid thing to say... But all the bad things in the world happen because we're only human, we can't help our stupidity and instincts, we gather in packs. "Safety in numbers", we can't stop our emotions and we twist and ruin the world for everything else. We turned a once-good thing into a terrible thing.

It really is a terrible world we live in. Humans killing each other, hurting each other, hurting animals. I can't talk, I take pleasure in other people's pain... I probably have a dark soul, and if there is anything after this life, I'll probably be punished. But... I know that whatever I do, it won't change a thing. This world is bad enough, I can try to make it better and only make it worse. I should just live in my bed, really, become ignorant to the cruelty that is this world.

Yeah, this is depressing, I know, but I need to let this out somewhere. I need to let out the fact that I can't look outside without wondering what everyone means by "It's a beautiful world we live in". I think, well you must be pretty damn optimistic to think that, because all I can see is a madhouse, an asylum for the criminally insane- that is this world, the scummy place where only the truly hideous belong. Sure, there are a few exceptions, a few truly beautiful examples of a human being, but they're... 'Saint's' in an otherwise cruel world.

I wish I could say I was a good example of a human being. I do. I wish I could say that I deserve to have a nice family, and friends that... At the end of the day, care for me. I wish I could say I deserve such a good life, I wish I could say that I am happy with myself. But I would be lying. Every word would be a lie. And I hate liars. Liars like the majority of this world, who take advantage and use each other like... Objects.

I'm being depressing. Wonderful. But someone I love is depressed, another is scared crapless, another is wondering why she can't feel anything, and another is just... Gone...
I don't know what to say, what to do to make it better. I know I can't. I've realised that. I can't help. I want to hug these people, sing in their ears with my crappy voice, assure them that everything will be fine, I want to tell them how much they mean to me, I want to be able to do these things, but they live too far away.

Being a good person is very hard. Often it seems impossible... Honestly, who wants to be a good person? I don't want to be an anything, I just want to grab all the people important to me and shove them into a giant huggle. I want to... Dammit, I want to be able to cry, and to break down in front of them all, and I'm bloody frustrated that I can't! I want to feel all these emotions that just won't come... I... Guys, you know who you are. You do, reading this, I know you know who you are. I love you all, okay? I love you all more than the people I see everyday. You all inspire me, make me happy... We can share things that I trust no-one else with.
Kat, you're included, in case you read this and were wondering.
I care for you all. I love you all. I want to be able to hug you all now, when I was sick... And scared, you were cheering me up, making me giggle, making me realise that you actually did care for me...
I know if anything happened to me, you'd be the first ones to act, and you'd immediately fuss over me.

And that's a nice feeling.
I love you all more than words can say.