Love.

Love is a feeling everyone wants. Everyone needs. It doesn't even have to be a feeling, really. Now, I'm not neccesarily talking about the type of love that soppy singers write about, and teenagers angst about. The type of love I'm talking about is the human sentimentality. The need to spread love, to feel love, to be loved, to kill love. A psychologist, Harry Harlow, studied "The Nature of Love" in which he described his findings on comfort deprivation in Rhesus monkeys. He said:
"... Contact comfort was an important basic affectional or love variable.. Insuring frequent and intimate body contact of the infant with the mother"
This implies that to feel loved, the monkey needed a hug, pretty much. The monkey needed to feel that someone loved it. It needed the tender touch of a loving mother. Well, don't we all? Many people who snap don't have anyone to love, to lose. We all ache for a loving touch sometimes. It doesn't have to be from a lover, quite often we just want a hug from a family member. I often find myself aching for someone to hug me, to comfort me, to whisper in my ear "It's all going to be okay." Especially when sick. This, I'm not sure what causes it. I'd love to know. I'd love to grab a mind and pick it apart, finding out exactly what makes someone tick.

More specifically, the mind of a criminal. Oh dear God, I'd love to be given the honour to be called in to inspect a dead body, find out how it died, and deduce from the wounds inflicted on the body what type of criminal we're looking for. The mind of a criminal is a truly wonderful thing, their view on "right" and "wrong" may not always be different, but their view on the world, on people, is.

Oh God, I'm going all creepy now.
Ahem, I shalt depart before I start revealing odd things.
Goodbye, Space Cadets!

Ah. Sorry.

I haven't posted in a while, sorry about that. For once, I don't have a planned topic that I need to rant about or anything. I've been needing to write and I've just written.
Man, I feel epic.
I've been having troubles recently, quite a few. So I've been a bit withdrawn. This was supposed to be something I could post in regularly.
Oops.

*Knock* *Knock* Hello? Ranty posts? Mind if I destroy your stream of ranting with some happiness? Hm?

Happiness was a bit of an exaggeration, just an almost-normal post, I suppose. I've decided to stop posting all this depressing crap, because quite frankly, it's depressing. Instead, I want to bring up a whole load of topics, make a huge blog post. About whatever, anything to keep my mind working. As... I am feeling brain-dead. Oh dear.

So, first topic is my English Assessment. For English we have to say a speech, unfortunately for me I forgot my speech before I had to say it to everyone. So I spent three minutes bluffing my way through from things I remembered at the back of my head. Apparantally, I was amazing and convincing. Which I'm quite happy about because my self-esteem isn't the best. However, I didn't do the best and wasn't chosen to go to the so-called 'finals'... Which means my level isn't boosted higher. In fact, my English teacher lowered my English level for no apparent reason. Which is really making me panic. I know I shouldn't panic, but these lowered level means less of a chance of a scholarship to the university I eventually want to go to. I mean, a scholarship is very unlikely, but now it's even more unlikely. I'm not a gifted child, I'm an absolute idiot, and what with my parent's state of money... A scholarship is the only way I'll get into university. So this is something I need to get, otherwise... Well... No university, I guess. This assessment I'm panicking about? It's a written assessment, all from the top of my head. That's not good. You don't just write assessments from the top of your head and pass unless you're bloody epic. I've done so before, but... This is different... It's actually... A topic I feel strongly about, I should have done something... Anything...

The second is friends. I've posted about friends before and this isn't too different. Remember that post I made, I said "Friends rarely ever are forever"? Well, guess who's been proved right? Me. My friend who I shan't name, I shall post him as Bob. My friend Bob, I have known for as long as I can remember, he's my oldest friend, and we were as close as... Two close things. Suddenly, he took the chance he had to be popular, and so he completely forgot about me and my friend, and he became b*tchy to us, rude and joining in with the bullies. He then was nice to us, and b*tchy straight after. I know I've lost him as a friend, but we seem to be keeping up this small charade that we're still close and we're still friends. It just hurts me. I don't like that, I don't like hurting over friends... I don't like panicking about losing one of the closest people to me. So I don't talk about it.

The third is anger. Anger is one of my many issues, the one feeling I can't control in front of people. Usually at school I keep up this pokerface, a layer of... Non-emotion I guess, cold nothingness. My features are rather sharp, so it usually looks like I'm silently fuming. Which I guess I am. When people make fun of me and stuff, I can hold back the tears, I can hold back the fear and hurt. I can stop that from showing. But it's the anger, the pure rage and spite mixing together to form an emotion I can't explain, but it's like a tornado ripping through me, making me want to scream as loud as I can and curse, using all the swears I know to insult the kid teasing me, smash all the objects I can see, harm everyone I see. I feel an almost irresistable urge to grab the sharpest thing I see and plunge it into the kid's stupid face, to see the blood rushing from them and hear their screams, to bloody make them feel pain. It's an almost irresistable urge. Which I hold back, but that doesn't stop me growling, or snapping at them, the main thing that holds me back is guilt. I just can't bring myself to do it, I know I'm perfectly capable, I have the anger. It scares me, knowing that I'm actually a potential danger. Because my anger is so hard to control, that I'd love to harm loads of people, like something else takes over. Yet, I know I'd feel terrible afterwards, and I can't bear the thought...

The fourth is writing. These story I've been planning and stuff? I've lost the will to carry on, I can't stop thinking about how... Rubbish it is. I have no gifts, I'm not talented, or exceptional, so what's the point in trying? Trying and being pathetic? Like I am.

The fifth just happens to be illnesses. My so-called illnesses are getting worse, blood-test is out of the question, but... I've been kind of... Showing symptoms...
Of certain things.
*Sigh*

The sixth is comic books. I was reading a few comic books, and I've realised how... Rubbish... Some comics that have been published are.
*Glares at X-Men*
Some comics just feature a bunch of underdeveloped, overpowered Mary-Sues who mess around in historic events. Three. Big. No-nos.

Well, this turned into a rant, didn't it?
Heh.
Well, had to be let out somewhere I guess.
If you read this far, then if I ever meet you I will hug you very tightly and give you a sugar-free lollipop.
:3

I hate my school.

Okay, stupid blog title, I know. Loads of kids hate their school. Well, I'm no different. Thing is, most of the kids hate their school because of the fact that they have to get up early and they dislike the teachers, so on, so forth.
I would love my school, if the teachers were actually good at teaching and... Certain people didn't go to my school, I would adore it, probably ACTUALLY wake up eager to go, not all fretty and depressed.

The only reason I hate school is because of the bullying. I'm not the only child with this problem, there are loads of kids who are bullied. I'm just too weak to put up with it quietly.
The teachers bully the students, and the students bully each other. It's like... A bloody jungle, I guess. I hate that I'm just sitting there, minding my own business and someone decides to bug me.
"Oh, you're reading?"
I ignore them, hoping they'll leave. When they suddenly start teasing me, calling me a sl*t, sk*t, Harriet Potter, Soapy Water, and one boy even shoved his empty crisp packet down my jacket and said, "Oh sorry, I have to put my rubbish in the bin."

Somehow, out of all I've been through, it's this small thing that I've let get to me. This stupid kid messing around with me that made me take a bath as soon as I got home so I didn't have to face my Mum and talk to her, so I didn't have to face anywhere. I stayed in the bathroom for hours, crying my eyes out. I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did. My parents don't know I get bullied, I don't plan on telling them, either. Because they'll over-react. Like they do. They'll tell me to fight back.
I can't.

I honestly want to believe I can just lie low and ignore everyone. But they just bug me, they mess with me and they make me come home feeling like I belong in a sewer.
Which I don't.
I'm not going to let this ruin me. I'm not going to just give up because of some people who hate me. F**k them. I am who I am, I can't help that, I'm not going to bloody change to fit in to society. So... I'm just going to put up with it I guess. Talking to them makes it worse, ignoring them makes them try and hit me. So, I'm going to do the... I guess, 'hard' thing, and just sit back and take it. Hmph.

Hm.

V for Vendetta. I'm watching it and fangirling <_<
Moving on...
So, writing. I want to write, but don't have a clue WHAT to write, apparantally I'm really good at saying inspirational shiz... So... Why can't I inspire myself? Odd.
Someone once asked how to make a child do something they don't want to do, I replied; "Say it's a game of Simon Says."
I have rubbish ideas, huh?
Well...
Dear God I'm uninspired >.<

I need to rant...
I will.

My panic attacks are back, I used to have them when I was a little kid, pretty badly, I was always fretty and I stuttered badly. I thought I was over that, but apparantally not. They're coming back. I'm not too peeved off by it, because I'm used to them, but I terrify myself and that's what I dislike, how I'm suddenly becoming a wimp and bursting into tears over stupid things. I don't cry. Period. I'm not built to cry, I'm built to get by.
LOL RHYME.
I am, though. I'm built to slide on through and keep myself together, not to burst into tears when I hear someone call me "Harriet Potter". I've been through this stuff all my life, the teasing, the laughing. And I'm used to it, I shouldn't be so worked up, and I should be over these stupid panic attacks.
LOL I TYPED THAT ALL WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD AND ACTUALLY WATCHING THE TV.
Ahem.
Well, I'd be ranting a lot if I carry on. Sorry.
So...
Well, this is an end to the blog post I guess.
Sorry about that.
Sorry.
I...
Yeah...

School.

Well, I'm at my Mum's, which means I'm on a huge computer instead of a laptop, and that I'll have to sleep early. It also means that I feel like I'm being watched, and just as I typed that Mum looked over my shoulder o.o
Ahem. It's school tommorow, which means I'm panicky. I don't know why, but I just get panicky and jumpy and stuttery, for a few days my stutter'll get worse until I have to be quiet for a long while, building up the confidence to say something. before speaking VERY quietly. I'll screech and hide at the simplist things and it'll be SO easy for me to burst into tears.
Like Furby.
...

Uh, Furby didn't belong in that sentence... Anyway...At least Ilia might be coming down to visit me soon? I can't wait, I suppose I'll have to ask my parents... They might not be keen on that. Anyway...
Well, that's pretty much it. I've just been panicky about this, unable to actually clear my mind...
The bullies... Oh God, this is going to be rough few weeks. The teachers...
Ugh. I give up.

So...

Character development is fun. Oh lord it's fun, I love torturing characters to the point that you've just labelled yourself as a sadist. When I was younger I wanted to be a torturer... Then I found out that's illegal... Dream-crushing moment that was.
A young Narfi bounding down the stairs, bouncy ginger-hair blinding and making you think 'WOAH! THE ORANGENESS! WHEN DID IT GET HERE?" and the fact that my hair was so short making you think I was a boy. I looked like a boy, still do.
I turned to my mother, holding up another unfortunate teddy-victim. "One day this'll be a real person, ya get me?"
Mother simply sighed... "No Narfi, that's illegal."
I had dropped the teddy. The crushing feeling in my heart I could never forget, realising I would never give anyone a Chelsea Smile, that I'd never shove some poor unfortunate git on a Catherine's Wheel. Knowing I'd never shove anyone in an Iron Maiden, I'd never put someone on a Judas Cradle, never shove someone in a Brazen Bull, no Spanish-Tickler, no Garotte. I'd never even do foot-roasting or Flaggelation...
If you're squeamish, I recommend not trying to learn what those torture methods are.

So, with the slow realisation that I'd never do this. I took out my ruined childhood on my characters. And boy it is fun. It's fun pulling characters to the brink of being killed-off, and deciding "Oh crap, I still need them..."
I think... One or two of the people reading this'll know what character I'm torturing. I can't be blamed, I hate her. Oh my God, I freaking hate her! Why I created her I don't know, but I don't have the heart to kill her off, so I'll torture her.

Moving on, so I seem like less of a sadist... Hm... I wonder if souls have colours... If so... Oh my God, that'd be epic! Souls with colours! I mean, everyone see's the soul as silvery and wispy... Mostly in the form of their vessel, but I suppose, that a soul would seem more animal-like, the animal that the vessel is most like, and it wouldn't be silvery, it'd have a colour, depending on the person.
I wonder what animal and what colour my soul would be O.O

Well...
I've run out of things to say...
...
Awkward...

Oh crap.

I'm a bad influence.
A rubbish influence.
Seriously, if you ever get the chance to meet me, slap me. Slap me and yell at me. I'm serious. I know, self-hating much?
But I do hate myself. I'm a bad person, I wish I could actually believe everyone when they say I'm good, that some things aren't my fault...
But I can't.

Sorry about this.
I'm tired of myself.
I really am.
Well...

Friends.

Everyone loses friends, at one point or another. Friends rarely ever are 'forever' like people so insist. All these children wandering around saying "We're BFF's!" and breaking up the next day. The only true friends who ever actually stay with you... Are exactly that, true friends. You could be so far away from each other, yet you stay in contact. You are true friends, opposed to those who claim they're your friends and tease you. You feel the need to develop a new personality while in front of them, you're not comfortable telling everything to them, you don't want to have the burden of cheering them up when they're sad.

True friends aren't like that, true friends feel honoured to cheer each other up, true friends inspire each other, true friends aren't afraid to talk to each other about anything. They could be completely opposite, or so alike. True friends don't insult each other, ever, especially if they know it hurts the other person. What they say.

I... I don't have many friends, at all. True friends... None of my true friends live near me, all of my true friends are over the internet. How pathetic is that? All those friends I walk around with I actually dislike, I'm just too scared to break my friendship with them, I'm too pathetic to stand up and say: "Stop. No, this is not working, you're just teasing me, you're lowering my confidence, making me feel like crap, why? What do I do to you?" And so, I've given up on being a good friend. If people want my friendship, they accept me for me. I'm a terrible friend, I'm a horrible human being, I'm idiotic, I'm annoying, I haven't left any mark on the world. I'm not particularly gifted, I'd like to say I am, but I'm not. Ask any teacher of mine, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm causing a debate in class or they're telling me off for staring outside the window, wondering what life would be like if humans had evolved to the point of growing wings...

I wish that human beings could live a long while, and that they could... They could fix the fact that they're human. I know, what a stupid thing to say... But all the bad things in the world happen because we're only human, we can't help our stupidity and instincts, we gather in packs. "Safety in numbers", we can't stop our emotions and we twist and ruin the world for everything else. We turned a once-good thing into a terrible thing.

It really is a terrible world we live in. Humans killing each other, hurting each other, hurting animals. I can't talk, I take pleasure in other people's pain... I probably have a dark soul, and if there is anything after this life, I'll probably be punished. But... I know that whatever I do, it won't change a thing. This world is bad enough, I can try to make it better and only make it worse. I should just live in my bed, really, become ignorant to the cruelty that is this world.

Yeah, this is depressing, I know, but I need to let this out somewhere. I need to let out the fact that I can't look outside without wondering what everyone means by "It's a beautiful world we live in". I think, well you must be pretty damn optimistic to think that, because all I can see is a madhouse, an asylum for the criminally insane- that is this world, the scummy place where only the truly hideous belong. Sure, there are a few exceptions, a few truly beautiful examples of a human being, but they're... 'Saint's' in an otherwise cruel world.

I wish I could say I was a good example of a human being. I do. I wish I could say that I deserve to have a nice family, and friends that... At the end of the day, care for me. I wish I could say I deserve such a good life, I wish I could say that I am happy with myself. But I would be lying. Every word would be a lie. And I hate liars. Liars like the majority of this world, who take advantage and use each other like... Objects.

I'm being depressing. Wonderful. But someone I love is depressed, another is scared crapless, another is wondering why she can't feel anything, and another is just... Gone...
I don't know what to say, what to do to make it better. I know I can't. I've realised that. I can't help. I want to hug these people, sing in their ears with my crappy voice, assure them that everything will be fine, I want to tell them how much they mean to me, I want to be able to do these things, but they live too far away.

Being a good person is very hard. Often it seems impossible... Honestly, who wants to be a good person? I don't want to be an anything, I just want to grab all the people important to me and shove them into a giant huggle. I want to... Dammit, I want to be able to cry, and to break down in front of them all, and I'm bloody frustrated that I can't! I want to feel all these emotions that just won't come... I... Guys, you know who you are. You do, reading this, I know you know who you are. I love you all, okay? I love you all more than the people I see everyday. You all inspire me, make me happy... We can share things that I trust no-one else with.
Kat, you're included, in case you read this and were wondering.
I care for you all. I love you all. I want to be able to hug you all now, when I was sick... And scared, you were cheering me up, making me giggle, making me realise that you actually did care for me...
I know if anything happened to me, you'd be the first ones to act, and you'd immediately fuss over me.

And that's a nice feeling.
I love you all more than words can say.

Murder.

Murder is something that just happens. There's no way of stopping all of it. It happens. It's not something that's always considered right, but it happens all the time no matter what people think. Someone could just snap and murder someone, they may not want to, they may feel bad afterwards, they may be completely unaware of what they did. But they did it, and there's no changing that. There's no changing the fact that a fellow human being suffered and died at their hands... Which means they have to be punished, by law and morality. Because what they did was morally wrong. Because families are grieving the loss of a mother, daughter, father, son, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandfather, grandmother, whatever else. Because friends are grieving. Lovers are grieving. The murderer may not like what they did, the murderer may wish they never did it. But they may be afraid of what would happen to them if they gave themselves up, of what they'd be charged with. They may be thinking what they did was right and that what they did was acceptable, these people are classed as insane. The word 'insane' implies you do not understand the difference between 'right' and 'wrong'. Which leads me on to say, in the Seventies there was a murderer nicknamed the 'Vampire'. Three guesses what he did?
He murdered little children and drank their blood. Now, you're thinking this is depicable, this is disgusting, this is wrong. Yet I haven't even told you the full story. This man was a paranoid schizophrenic, he thought that drinking the blood would be therapeutic and help him with his 'condition', he thought what he was doing was acceptable. Unfortunately for him, the judges viewed him as completely sane and he was sentenced to death for first degree murder, housed at condemned row. He commited suicide in 1980 before his execution. This man was delusional and afraid, he described himself as 'a good person but a little wrong in the head and heart'. He wasn't given any help to stop the psychopathic tendencies and was sentenced to death for 'horrendous, brutal, murder'. He didn't hide what he did, he didn't seem to think it was bad what he was doing. He walked around covered in blood and entered people's back gardens. He talked about people out to get him, he talked about the Italians, and the Nazis. When he was younger, he once knocked on the door of his home, and when his mother answered to see him holding a dead cat and covered in blood she did nothing. She didn't tell him it was wrong to murder. If you're torturing animals at such a young age then you are basically learning that it is fine to kill, you are becoming desensitised to the feeling of guilt that a living creature has suffered and died at your hands. He was clearly delusional and not given any help, that is what I think is wrong. The fact that he killed is wrong, but the fact that he couldn't help himself and wasn't given help is wrong. There are those who need help, who feel guilty afterwards and should be offered help, and there are just plain cold-blooded murderers. The one's that need help would deny what they did, they'd feel guilty and want to forget about it, they wouldn't want to be aware of what they did. There are some who don't even know they murder, they go into a trance and murder, they wake up and hear about it on the news, a thought goes through their head "Huh, now that's just disgusting, who would do such a thing?" , evidence points in their direction, they don't know why, they assume they're being framed...
I'm not the smartest person alive. Hell, I'm not even smart. But sometimes I really do think the judges are absolute idiots. It's not my place to say that, I know it isn't. I am not complaining about the justice system. But I do see the death sentence as murder. I do think it could be much better. That's not me suggesting that I would think a better one up, because I wouldn't. I'm not smart enough. I'm not smart at all, but the people who get these qualifications are smart and surely should be able to think a better justice system up? People who are not even guilty have been punished for crimes they did not commit... Closing the case and leaving the real criminal a free person. This, I'm not happy with. I am simply asking you to think of how many other people have been convicted of crimes they didn't commit, and who else who has a mental disorder has been denied help and given a death sentence or such?
Think about that.
Now, to make this blog post incomplete I need to post a picture because this post is long and I doubt you read it all and are really depressed now if you have.

Oh wait, that's not... Appropriate... Crap, I don't know how to get rid of it... *Sigh* What a way to ruin a half-decent blog post, Narfi...

Ilia and Mi-Mi.

Heh. I figured it was about time I posted something sentimental and... Soppy. Two things I hate. Dear God...
Well, two people who I'm going to say are probably the closest people to me... Ever... Are dear Ickle Ilia and Granny Mi-Mi...
I'm serious.
The people I trust most with... Everything... Are Ilia and Mi-Mi. And I've never even met them, I know what they say about being careful who you meet over the internet. But I honestly know Ilia and Mi-Mi would never harm me, and I'd never harm them.
Ilia, Mi-Mi... I doubt you're reading this, but... I really do hope we never lose contact. And some day, in the distant future, we will actually meet up.
And maybe I'd have grown a few inches so Ilia won't be able to pat me on the head, and Mi-Mi won't wear high-heels in front of me <_<
Not to say that we ever will, and that's... That's what saddens me, the fact that it's just... Too easy for us to lose contact and never talk to each other, or meet each other again, even after the impact you've had on my life...
I'm not going to cry. I never cry... I'm not going to cry...
Aw, man...
Well, now I'm crying. Heh. I just... Hate the idea of losing contact with you both, I love you two so much. In a totally siblinglike way. You two inspire me, and our banter makes me giggle, you two are always there whenever I'm down and I don't... I don't repay you in any way... Oh God, I'm such a bad friend... I'm hardly ever there for you like you two are for me, I never... I... I goddamned love you two :3
I do.
I really hope we ARE friends for a long, long time. Even though we've never met. I hope we DO meet, and I know lots of huggles will be given out if we do <_<
Heh. I've probably depressed you all so much, but... Well, I actually want to shove a song in your two's faces, a song that I love, but I feel actually describes us well :3
As soppy as it is...
Don't ask >.<
Most of the others I thought suited us were love songs, so yeah <.<
Plus, this describes us individually on the inside, too.

  Heh, I know... I know...
But I'm serious. Completely.
Luffle you two!

Narfi out.

Oh God what am I doing?

Well.
I'm still sick.
I blame Ilia ¬.¬
And I just want to write. But I'm too busy bloody vomiting to bloody pick up a pen or bloody type on the bloody computer! Well, actually... Recently I haven't been vomiting or anything, I'm almost better. You could say.
Of course, the fact that I was ill again is just another reason for my family to bug me to get a blood test. I mean, jeeze, haven't they ever heard of being sick every now and then?
I just happen to be sick half the time.

Moving on.
At least I have great ideas for my le story. And Ilia is in it <_<
She's the crazy bipolar one, if anyone was wondering. Don't tell her, she'll kill me! Then kill me again and again, and accuse me of being bipolar then break down in tears and say sorry. See what I mean by 'she's the crazy bipolar one'?
So is Mi-Mi.
She's the slightly less crazy, shy one who'll say sorry for no particular reason.
And as am I.
I'm just the plain crazy one.
AND WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER *Drools rainbows and kills HSM people*
Which means you better hide 'cause we'll SO try to murder you in your sleep.

I'm losing my touch, it seems...

Well... I have a problem. Not only problems in the family, but problems with my writing.
I've been doing next to NO proper writing, I just... Don't know what TO write, all I've done is planning. Planning, planning, planning for my story, I don't even know what to call it. I've been obsessing over character development and the storyline recently. Because I HATE underdeveloped characters and storylines, and I actually DO like the fourth wall.
Unlike SOME people.
Ilia ¬.¬
I've been becoming sloppy and uncreative, all my ideas actually HURT my head. And I've been feeling too self-hating to rant it to anyone. So I'm ranting it here.
I've gone through this stuff before, where I become sloppy with my writing and grammar. I am a Grammar-Nazi and HATE when my grammar is off... And lately... I've been unable to spell the word 'Coincidentely' correctly!
... Oh my God, I mis-spelled the word coincidentely...
And again...
DAMMIT! NOW I HAVE TO CHECK IN A DICTIONARY! D<
FUUU!

Coincidentally.
That is how it is spelled.
Damn.
See what I mean?
*Sigh*
Well... I've ranted. So... Seeya!
I'll leave you with something happy, a theme song of a character of mine. :3

Hm...

Ilia hasn't been online or talked to me within a week, maybe more.
And I'm worried.
Maybe I shouldn't be, maybe she's perfectly fine and having more time away from the computer... But... Well, her last blog post seemed more worried and depressing, as if she isn't getting any better...

And if she doesn't get better. That's cause for worry.
I'm not sure if you've been online or would even read this, Ilia.
But if so, then I hope you do get better, and that your humour'll be back in no time.

Love,
Auntie Leto <3