Idols.

We all have idols, someone we look up to. They may not be real, they may just be  . . . In a sense, another form of ourselves. The "person" I look up to is pretty much myself. Or someone I accidentally created in a fit of self-loathing. I called that person Narfi. Narfi became developed, Narfi became a better version of me. My pen name became Narfi. This dominated me, took over.
Not that I was complaining.

Narfi was meant to be everything I wasn't. That didn't work out. Narfi ended up as a way for me to be who I truly was, for me to be able to show the world that I could be creative. There were loud voices? Narfi was a chance for me to scream louder. I never took that chance, nor do I intend to. But I guess I owe my mind a big "thank you" for allowing me to create a psuedonym that became much more than just a name. It became a whole personality. People began caring for "Narfi".

This isn't me saying that I'm envious of Narfi. That would be silly, Narfi and I both share the same skills, we are the same person. Yet Narfi was always more glamorous in my eyes. Whenever I doubted myself and my talents, Narfi (and numerous others whom I shan't name in respect of their anonymity) beat down that doubt and threw it to Kingdom Come.

So, now that I've told you a little bit of private information, I'm going to ask that for once you all interact with me. Even you who usually don't. After all, who would I be to judge? I'd like to ask you to tell me your idols. Who do you look up to when it seems there is no hope in yourself? Or who helps you overcome these trying times?

I'd like to tell you a little story, of when I was younger. I was a bit of a problem child. I had a foul mouth and used curses as terms of endearment, I was small for my age and skinny. Quite a bit of a difference to now, if I say so myself. When I was younger, I was actually quite pretty. I don't know what happened. I had bright icy blue eyes that always seemed to be fixed on you in a glare. I had a sharp pointy chin that I liked rubbing mysteriously to seem evil. It didn't work . . . I wore quite tomboy clothes, combat shorts, a hoodie and trainers. Long brown/ginger hair and pointy ears. I had pointy teeth, too. A pearly white. I was very stubborn, and a moody brat most of the time. I would happily beat someone to a bloody pulp with a spoon if given the chance. I always got into accidents and would be rushed into the hospital. Oops. Another accident.

Now, on with the story. Once, I was feeling quite lonely, this was on my birthday. Mum had gotten angry at me again and slapped me, sending me up to my room. She had taken our belongings out the previous week because our room was a mess and she hated that, she was always pulling on her hair and having a panic attack when she saw too much mess. She'd then started screaming and panicking over the silly thing. I'll admit, I never got on with my Mum, quite often I cursed at her and threatened to run away. Even now the idea of running away seems appealing, but I know I wouldn't last a day before I was kidnapped and raped or killed. My Mother also used to complain about hearing voices in her head, when she first had my older sister, OJ. She heard a voice telling her to throw the baby in the river. She was all panicked and stuff.
It's a bit obvious where I get my fascination of Mental Illnesses, isn't it? I realise now, my Mum would have been diagnosed with Severe OCD and possibly Schizophrenia.

I found myself growing up to hate my Mother, I couldn't stand to look at her half the time. I spent all my time in my bedroom, creating little stories with characters whom I could relate to. Most of them didn't have any parents, some had problems with their mothers. Others just didn't want to know their parents. I realise now that I was a bit . . . Well, I didn't want to know my Mother, end of. I wanted to live with my Dad and forget my Mother even existed. I never cried often, not in front of my Mother. When I cried I usually hid it, I was always good at biting back those emotions. Not anger, though. Never anger.

When I was angry, I seemed a complete different person. I have never been able to hold in anger. Whenever I got angry, I'd scream at the top of my voice, I'd curse, I'd hurt people. Both physically and emotionally. I'd break whatever was in my path and whoever disagreed with what I'd do could pee off, because I was going to rant and anything they said would just get me angrier.

Moving back to the story, I was alone in the bedroom, telling myself a story. When I started thinking. I was wondering why I'd built this emotional wall of anger just to protect myself from crying whenever my Mum ranted on about how I was worthless and ruined her life. I started to upset myself with pessimistic thoughts. What if she was right? What if I would get nowhere in the future? What if I'd end up like my own Mother? I started to cry. It was then that I heard, as clear as if someone were speaking right next to me; "Sh. Calm down, it's going to be fine. You'll be successful. You'll be a great person, and your Mum will calm herself down, she's going through a hard time."
I imagined I felt arms around me to accompany this sudden voice, and I let it lull me into a calm.
I realise now that this isn't a good thing, it almost confirms my worries about my Mental Health.

It was then, though. That I started developing people or "characters" to help me out. And it was then I started looking towards them as idols.

So the next time any of you feel like you're worthless, let your imagination take you. Create people who would more than happily show you to a good place in your mind, where you can feel what you want to feel. Rant how you need to rant. And if not, then I'm always here to listen ;)
Because as worthless and bad as you feel you are sometimes, in my eyes, you are f**king perfect.
^,^